Test Anxiety Revisited

Confession: This is actually not my first blog. I started a blog at the beginning of 2008, but gave it up after only a few posts. At the time I thought it would be fun to blog about trying to get pregnant. A record of my crazy hi-jinks as I attempted to invent a new role for myself – mommy. But it was actually kind of boring, and I just couldn’t get into it. At all. Then I considered starting it up again after I did get pregnant. But I could never find the time between the 2 hour naps every day after work, the constant visits to the bathroom to pee, the monthly (then weekly) doctor appointments and reading every book I could get my hands on about pregnancy.

So this is the only post that is worth repeating in this new blog. It has special meaning to me because a few days after writing this, I found out I was pregnant.

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Test Anxiety
From April 15, 2008
So after 12 years of wedded bliss, The Psychologist and I decided it was about time to reproduce. After all, there is no better way to stroke your own ego than to create little mini versions of yourself. “Just look how adorable they are.” “Don’t we make the cutest kids?” “And so smart!” So that is exactly what we are trying to do… since January. Sort of a New Year’s Resolution. Lose 10 lbs. Eat healthier. Watch less TV. Procreate.

Trying to make a baby is actually really stressful. I naively thought it would just be all about sex. Whoo hoo! More sex and I would get knocked up. But this is not so. There is counting involved. Yes, that’s right… math. A subject that I was not so good at in high school is coming back to haunt me. Calculating my “optimal fertilization time” each month takes some of the fun out of sex. The Psychologist and I have always had a decent sex life, but all this math makes it seem like an assignment. A+ means you’re pregnant, F means you’re not. So far we are not passing this class! Since January I have taken 4 pregnancy tests. (See, it’s even called a test!) Each time I got a big fat F on the test. After my initial disappointment, I do consider the upside… I can continue to drink wine and fit into all (ok, most of) my pants. I’m 3 days past due my monthly bloodletting, so who knows, maybe I’ll ace the next test. I’m afraid to take it. I don’t want another F.

I suppose this is what I can expect for waiting until I was 33 to start this process. It really sucks that the most fertile time for a woman is age 17 – 25. Who is really ready to have kids at that age? I know I was way too immature. By the time I decided I was actually ready for this – stable marriage, stable job, stable life – my body may not be willing to cooperate.